Just candid.

We do have a prompt, and luckily I am not embarrassed of anything that I did lately. So, I’d rather just be candid today.

I have a lot going on in my head, to put it out there would let me feel a little lighter, I guess. As a kid this world fascinated me. Although, it was not all chasing butterflies and basking out in the sun, it was intriguing. Nevertheless, It was different – a lot was happening around me. But that is not special at all. Every one has strange things happening around them and as we are young kids growing up, even simplest of things might seem peculiar.

So to set the theme, I would say I am writing about how I feel I must have had a little bit too much of seriousness while growing up. I tried so hard to be perfect at things that I thought mattered, in fact they did matter – behaviour matters. And fortunately I did master what mattered, I was the most quiet, calm, composed kid in the block (wherever this block was). Something every parent admired, lets just say I was the favourite of all parents. I guess they saw an ideal kid in me.

But what was being ignored was the fact that, in all that mastering I must have missed on opportunities to get out of my comfort zone. The reminiscence of which are now affecting my life. Suffice to say I think too much of how to behave. Too much! So much so that I have to stop myself from focussing on all that and pay attention to the right now. And like any normal person I have my brain constantly talking back to me.

It is difficult but we all learn it the hard way, to make wrong and sad thoughts be clean and uplifting – It is important. But what to do you do when you have a battle with your own self? I have believed in a few things so strongly that I can not let go of them or else I won’t be truthful to myself. It feels like sometimes you put all your efforts to make things right but they go the way they want to go. And if you have a habit of being in control or in other words being in-charge, this twisted turn of events is only going to take a toll on you.

And that is what is happening nowadays.  Okay, now I do not believe in all the mumbo jumbo luck and stuff, but I am still waiting for the “reward for your efforts” moment in my life. It seems so strange, I did all that I was supposed to. Fortunately I am at a place where it is not saddening or depressing anymore, but confusing. And to a point where I do not know what next? Well, everyone has this moment in their life and mine is now.

I never really give in and I try to be the rainbow in someone else’s cloud. But right now I have too many clouds to see what am I headed towards. What is unclear is that, I was that one insanely optimistic guy when everyone else was losing it, but now I am questioning – what if everyone was right all along? Which brings me to the scary conclusion, I was wrong!?

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