Existential Crisis.

Feeling cheated by life yet?

There was a time when everything in this life was an amazement. Every moment in it self a memory to be treasured there was no need to capture those moments, no need to rush any of it, no need to plan, no need to be “politically” correct, no need to explain, no need to comprehend what was beyond me, no need to worry about tomorrow, no need to have needs be defined so specifically.

And come to present, everything has become so structured that, the more I organise the more unorganised I feel. The more I plan, there arises a need to change plans later, the more I foresee an outcome the more it will be opposite of the expected. It is not just the lack of spontaneity but the lack of time, I feel, has thrown me into this whirlwind of emotions. The lack of time for loved ones, for something bigger.

How long can you be a mess yet carry on as if you are in total control? The moment I will snap I will snap bad haha. The moment I will lose it, I do not think I will be able to gather it back as quickly. Is it wrong to feel a little over whelmed, specially when it actually is overwhelming? Changes okay… This frequent? No thanks! Were I not preparing for being an adult all along and now there is more to it, wow!

Bu then again I question am I just being dramatic and what if not? What is the meaning of all this? Where is this all headed to? Oh that is existential crisis right there. Hit your twenties yet?

I do not feel as much cheated by life as I feel from the people who created a false picture of this world and life for me. I won’t say I was not told that life is not a bed roses. I was very well informed, but I always believed that there has to be an alternate. All I have to do is give my best and move on. No expectations, right?

To hell with no expectations! Can a person not even expect snow in winters or blooming flowers in spring now? What is the meaning of being in control if not gripping onto things. I do not even want to talk about people or relationships because that is too much. How to juggle so much with a smile and if I am able to manage it well, does life stop there? No!

There are bigger purposes to be filled and it is easy to sit here and write about feeling overwhelmed by life, under the comforts of my roof and then I get struck with a thought, how do the unfortunate find enough strength to go on? Just because there is no other way? Is there really no other way?

Putting it simply, how long does one keep on going and how further? I am for one who preaches of positivity and strength that comes from your thoughts alone, I do not see the end when it reads “dead end” I see it as a sign asking me to change my course. But a new course will be as difficult and treacherous as it was treading on this “chosen” path. Change is the only thing certain and there are people with real problems so I move on, I will cope up…What else can we, with all our human power, do?

It is easy to be at peace with yourself, accept your past, not give thoughts about your future and just be in the present. After all present has enough to keep me busy. But then how long do I stand with me peace while some one and/or something is being entirely wrong. I know we all feel we do not deserve it, but does anyone care for your kindness. The mere title of “kind” goes in hand in hand with “easy to pick on”. Oh, why not bother the quiet? After all silence is weakness?!

Oh, the wrath of quiet ones is something that they are scared of themselves. It destroys! They just do not want to get down to that low level. What I find funny is the new zeal I get whenever a new challenge comes my way, I get on a new mission of being the change I want to see. Just that it gets a little lonely and tiring at times… Makes me question my very decision to be the change.

Is it worth it?  Is it possible to be too good, too quiet, too kind, overly peace-loving?

Nonetheless, NEVER BACK DOWN!