Breakdowns

I might be a fool considering I left my job in this economy. But it is cool because I enjoy being called one.

The root cause of all bad in life is fear or at least the negative thoughts that start taking a toll on the body. Fear is in the head, anxiety in our behaviour and panic affects our being. Breakdowns happen; leaving us petrified, unable to move, speak or even breathe!

One could work on those fears but sometimes fears win, fear cripples lives. Once fear takes over, the pattern of running away from the triggers becomes a habit until one day when the past comes back to life and all seems to fall down as panic grips so hard it almost feels like a heart attack and leaves one emotionally drained.

This powerlessness renders the body weak. Weak to the point that taking another step seems impossible. I know this is not even close to the what people suffering from anxiety or panic disorders go through, but it is a horrible experience to say the least.

I feel these problems are more common now than ever. I see how young School kids use words like hate and love in the context of their peers or the world in general without realising the impact of using such strong words.

The times and life might have gotten complex and fast paced but in no way has it become necessary to panic over the littlest of things. Not to belittle some one else’s problems but their are people who react so spontaneously on little things and get nervous breakdowns over normal everyday situations.

Dependency is to be blamed.

There was a time when boredom was seldom and today if the WiFi is not working for an hour, every one starts sulking (that includes me) and we start wondering what to do? While as a kid majority of the time was spent outside the house; walking, talking, playing and now, except for the neighbour’s WiFi’s name, I do not even know who actually lives in the neighbour-hood.

Today homework is headache, exams are a headache, social events are a headache, talking to people is an issue, making friends, finding love, getting a job, working everything seems so unusually forced and more and more it seems like everyone is doing what has to be done and not what they love doing.

No, we are just messing up the whole point and definition of living.

For instance, a lot of work goes in the presentation of things and then labeling the best representation that, originality is thrown out of the window – like a scared pup it hides in one corner, over powered thus, commencing a pattern of self-deprecation and trying to meet the generalised standards, norms, trends, what not!

Please do not.

So many youngsters are hyper-emotional and will accept that their most enjoyable activity is sleeping. Honestly, this is not because they are tired. One can NOT be twenty and tired unless they are actually not sleeping even for six hours, it is not sleep that they want, it is peace of mind and sleep is just the perfect form of escape from the reality.

As psychology suggests depression leads one to eat too much, talk too much, sleep too much, or the opposite – it simply leads to extreme always. And look around is anything short of extreme.

Actual things that people say:

“Some one says something about me, I am gonna give them a piece of my mind.”

“Something breaks down, that is it life has ended, I have nothing to do.”

“Something is too hard to bear, I just can’t!”

Speaking from personal experience running away is going to make it hard to handle anything in life. Just accept that life with all its bumps is going to be alright, we better go over those bumps and not around them because the further we run from something, the closer we get to the next big problem. And then we will panic!

Breathe, smile, and be you. There is so much pleasure in being the fool, believe me fools are happier. Otherwise this world… I just can’t! LOL

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Bling-a-Zing

You know when you are feeling it, but do not really have the strength to do it, you would still go for it because, well, you are feeling it. And then again you would be so in to the moment and full of energy, but not feeling it and you would give up and give away perhaps one of the best things or experiences in the world. It is kind of hilarious how one person’s amazing might not even be on another person’s to-do list.

It is all about the bling these days. What shines might not be gold but everybody would at least have a look at it if not go for it. What shines, sells. What is heard, spreads. What is seen, believed and what is to choose, is chosen. The choices now, they are based on the zing. I never choose unless I am all about it. That is zing!

Lets talk about this very zing dying each moment a little inconvenience crosses my life. I mean it has become such a pattern I suppose or is it that life indeed has taken a complete new form and structure these days. Honestly it is both, a change in life style and the life that I lived as a kid was surrounded by like-minded people. Sadly, not the same anymore.

As a millennial, all I got during my student life was lots and lots of comfort and as obvious it is growing up requires you to step out of that comfort – be it four walls of your school surrounded by friends or the four walls of your home surrounded by the best people in the world. And one day you are done, done with being a kid and you are on your own in this massive globe, on a tiny country in a small city with humongous population and people that come from all walks of life.

On one hand there are jerks all over the world and sometimes they come in flocks – no doubt in that the only way is to run away from them, while on the other hand you have just people. Random people, strangers, normal… going about life just like you and me. But the biggest difference here is that, you are alone and no one of your age group accompanies you in this part of the journey. Your friends are going through the same and you come to realise how young and sometimes naive you are in this social/professional world. Naive by being real, by being pure, by being plain innocent.

As far as my personal experience goes for some strange reason I never felt as much of generation gap between me and my parents or even grand parents as much as with people who are not even 10 years older to me. Talking about them I have met a few who are not able to let go of the child in them and they seemed pretentiously childish and those who have accepted their age were sort of too strict with their notions thus disregarding every and anything that young ones have to say or do. Not generalising just sharing!

It is but life’s stage and in this phase where you are the young one, the new one, is seriously a point that might lead to loss of zing because it makes you wonder is that what you are headed to? Becoming indifferent? First stuck with the child in you and then having to act your age.

I feel we lose it, we lose it in its very essence, the zing is gone because you see and learn that innocence will be taken advantage of and soon you too would be fake and lame like some people I have come across. Not that every one is fake but who is being real anymore? It is hard to figure out. And it is does not make one cool by laughing off every matter.

It won’t be such a charade if we just acted and said what we really wanted to instead of what is age appropriate and what satisfies the ego. It steals away all the zing in name of the bling.

Expert

Expert at one thing today, forgotten tomorrow, learned the day after, not even required or followed. Was that not four days wasted? To be skilled at something new, I need more days but instead I take a break on the weekends. Now, I’ll start afresh only for it all to be repeated again.

That is how weeks come and weeks go. I am an expert at them!

Stone and Flower

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From the garden at my college. Memories!

What do you do with a stone? Kick it, throw it, build with it.

What do you do with a flower? Pluck it, smell it, care for it.

There you have it how to carry yourself! With beauty inside and out or with a hard exterior that keeps everyone away? We get to choose. Some would argue that it is easier to crush a soft flower compared to stone, but crushed stone is rubble and crushed flowers, a bed for even more beautiful things to grow.

Although, wee need not hate on stones after all only they can hold those flowers in place

Surface.

The first thing thing we do is look at anything. Eyes let us see they are one of most important senses and we use sight (not necessarily perception) frequently. We see a lot, so much that we do not even retain memory of each and every thing. Who has the time to look for details, right?

What do we look at then? We look at the surface of things, unsurprisingly we have become habitual of it, just having a look. That is all we do, I can say that for myself. I would see something and basically just look at the surface of it, never at the intricacies. And later when I’d recall the image, the colour, the main theme of the picture or the context would come easily. But nothing more than that and being someone who has a stronger visual memory, it bothered me to know that I was not honing my skill but merely wasting it.

Hence began the journey of seeing more than what meets the eye. Takes a while to get used to the concept and it takes practice and patience to actually sharpen this memory skill. But the difference lies in the approach. For visual recognition our mind is programmed to simply look at something and store it forever.

It is not brains fault that we do not give even a minute to anything. It is indeed our fault we never really put in the effort. I mean no one gets forgetful before a certain age and yet you would find youngsters being more forgetful. One reason is not being attentive, the other is being uninterested “what does not concern me is of no use to me”, lastly the habit of just looking at the surface.

Can not see the forest for the trees, all we see is the forest. We can be so fixated on the big picture that the details won’t get recorded. Again we are at fault. Life is fast paced and our heads pre-occupied – understood- but we should not let the scent of blooming roses on your way to work go unnoticed. It is of much importance that we capture these things of beauty in our memory forever than on the camera. After all two dimensional can never be three dimensional. It is just a red rose at the surface, but a flower with green leaves, small buds and, thorns – in the real sense.

Similarly, with a new person, we could be fixated on one attribute only and miss an opportunity of knowing an amazing personality. I have another idiom coming in – do not judge a book by its cover… Again, know the details before you rush into a decision.

Live free? Really? How can one live free being filled with preconceived notions? Looking beyond the surface, now that is called putting in efforts to know something.

Luxury…

Talk about being in your happy place, it is way better than any luxury that money can buy. One of my favourite shows is back on TV and I am back to being glued to the screen after dinner every night like an owl with a deep deep gaze. The world does not exist when I am that lost. Best part is that, this state of comfort is not only within my reach but also within the budget.

Yes, I could be in a luxurious hotel eating something gourmet with the cold, light breeze entering through my window with the most beautiful sunset…. But frankly after all that I would watch the same old show for my big dose of comedy. So yet again it goes with out saying, we do not want things, we want the feelings we associate with those things. Not too much but still it is a luxury of being able to own a TV, have a decent life style, oh even being healthy or happy (nowadays), if you know what I mean.

With out spontaneity boredom would ensue. And yet we just keep getting dependent, don’t we? I mean I would be sad if I had to miss even a single episode of this TV show. Why do I have to get attached to the characters? But avid readers can definitely relate. Is it not sad when your novel is about to get over? I becomes a substantial part of life and those fictitious characters become friends (even enemies).

Sounds strange but to those who find it #relatable know it too well because the luxury of being able to immerse yourself in the simplest of pleasures is far better than what the world’s combined riches could buy. Being able now that is a luxury in itself.

Nonetheless, we shan’t forget the true luxuries – being passionate, being forgiven, feeling loved and you know the rest. They needed a mention because I think we tend to take them for granted.

I would say true luxury comes when we open our hearts and not always by opening a wallet. – Insach

Glide or Slide

The word not used to define life is smooth.

The word that can not define relationships is smooth.

The awkwardness is never smooth.

The binge-eating/watching/reading never leads to a smooth mood.

The running up is not smooth.

The falling down is not smooth.

Transitions can never be smooth.

Work… Smooth?!? Never!

Systems, rules, things to make us fools – NOT SMOOTH.

 

If you expect something and you get something else – it is not going to be smooth. Every move meets with friction – walk, run, ride, communicate etc. It is only when something flies it can pass smoothly. To fly means to be light and that means getting rid of the burden – overwhelming feelings and emotions, desires and expectations, wants and cravings. Only the lighter goes farther. What a nice word is smooth and how delicious are smoothies!? My point… gliding or sliding is better than meeting with speed-bumps.

 

Fake.

Fake nails.

Fake hair.

Fake face.

Fake laughter.

Fake heart.

Fake soul. Well, that can not be fake though… lost maybe but not fake.

Fake behaviour.

Fake relations.

Fake promises.

Fake statements.

Fake people.

Fake world!!

Not to sound depressing but look around you. The trees are brown and leaves are green and sheep are sheep and wolves are wolves, but when you are a human there opens up a possibility of you being a  wolf in a sheep’s skin. So, that is fake.

If you feel that I am wrong then can you think of the last time you did not find some one being nice as a suspicious thing? Ha! it is easier to believe that someone is not good because fake fake all around not genuine soul to be seen.

But what about loved ones? Well they might not be fake but the fact that those relations are short lived and prone to having a sad ending just makes the whole journey seem useless and fake. It is as if we do whatever we do because we do not know what else to do – Filling our time with activities that have dead lines. Oh gosh this reminds me of the seven stages of life, the poem, “All world’s a stage”.

Wait a second! stage, means acting and acting is fake so it seems I have been right all along. William Shakespeare figured it out a long long time ago.

 

 

Et tu, Brute?

Longing for trust.


 

From then to now it has always been about one thing and that is trust. Something I just can’t have. To be very frank I have gone out my way to stand with people, you know, just because one should be there for others. Seriously I still have not stopped doing it. I seize any opportunity that I feel comfortable with just to help others.

I do not only try. That is not my way. I either do it or I do not but honestly most of the times I end up doing it – putting others before myself while helping them, you know, just because I think I should. Not that I want something out of it or that I am secretly expecting the Gods to reward me for my good deeds. I do not care if I am getting anything or nothing at all. I just have a bad habit of making myself available – all the time – every time.

And you know why I am calling it a bad habit is because I just won’t stop. Let alone being appreciated, no one ever tells you on your face that they do not need you or your presence or your help. Oh no, they will use all the free hands that they can get and would not even mind backbiting, backstabbing and worse yet coming back to you and acting like you are a fool who knows nothing about them or their words.

Even after experiencing it personally I continue like a shameless person lost in his own passion and compassion, being ridiculed time and again. It hurts and it is sad but ‘stupid’ people never change then why should I? I am different and that is my only explanation.

I have longed for trust and I still do because I have not met a single soul that I trust completely. Obviously you can exclude my family, but to have someone your age and someone who gets you and is also trustworthy, now that is like finding needle in a haystack – not impossible but is it worth going through all the trouble? The needle you found might just be another useless piece of metal.

 

Boring!

What bores me?

Boredom bores me. There are activities that you could still avoid but some people and their long winded talks gosh nothing is as boring and irksome as a person trying to say the littlest there is in the most superfluous and redundant way. Like can you cut to the chase please!

Then there are people who share a plan or an idea with you, and I do not know if it is out of habit or if some people are really that forgetful, but they would repeat the entire monologue the next time they get hold of you and you have to act very enthusiastic even though it is round two… sometimes round three or even four.

Some folks won’t only tell you of the same old plan but would go on about the tiny changes that they find are very cool.  Like yay, Make your mind up already! And guess what? At times you are not even a part of that plan. Like really!?

Boring is supposed to be annoying right? I seem to mentioning things that are more annoying than boring but I suppose these would still top the list of boring things. In short slow bores me. Slow queues, slow traffics, slow internet, fickle minded fellows meaning slow people they are the worst. And imagine being led by such a person. It is one of my nightmares that seems to be coming true- it is torturous.

Patience is one thing but I have a low threshold for slow things I go from “oh no!” to “okay this has already begun” to the “no-way- to-run” stage. And then I am done for, the acting of being interested is the most excruciating part and then I really lose track of whatever is going on. Finally, I give up and that is what boring things make me do. They make me dislike them even more.