Good days? Happiness? Stability? Well, I have tried looking for them everywhere in the present but unfortunately they seem to have taken a deep slumber in my past. And this is not like a very recent feeling either, I have been feeling like this for a while now. I am waiting for a miracle to flip things upside down, I could really use one because moping isn’t helping.
As a young, naive kid life was an amazing reality which slowly became a bit of a work and soon enough became a series of problems that had to be solved. After a lot of work I reached a stage where every time I broke down I enjoyed the release of feelings, it was exactly as they say, crying was cathartic. I did not even know it could be that helpful, but it was. The release released me.
I sort of always knew that sharing problems does not help as very few people truly care and then the knowledge that every one has their own share of problems, kept me away from seeking help. I did not reach out to a single soul, but I did reach out. I reached out to myself.
There I was all by myself, stuck in my mind, in my problems, so obsessed with pain that I let stress destroy my health. I was so tired of having to deal with life as if it was not a reality but a nightmare that one fine day I just took to understanding it. Yes it is a long, long process and continuous too.
I came to know that the very meaning of life comes from our understanding of the situations and things surrounding us. So I started by making a list of things that needed to be fixed. I knew that focussing on past and future would be as futile as trying to fetch water from a dried-up well so my focus was on present. And thinking that identifying problems was enough, I began expecting; expecting people to change, circumstances to change, time, seasons and what not until some one told me that expectation is the mother of all pains.
I had to make a change and I needed a change. I was done with my anxiety, seeing loved ones in pain, having to deal with ridiculous people all the time. I wanted a miracle so I waited and waited… For nothing. Nothing!
It was only when I learnt to accept things as they were I started feeling better. Oh, I still moped, I dived into the depths of despair to release myself of the pain. It was like I was not running away from pain anymore. Suddenly, I was accepting it; the thick, the thin, the happy, the sad – all of it.
I wondered why do I have to accept things as they are? Running away was still a better idea. Why should I accept anything at all? I also wondered whether I was accepting or just pushing myself to a stage where I just did not care anymore. We all question this.
But when you really accept, your feelings don’t freeze. The very sign of acceptance is in the liberated feeling one gets because nothing is bottled-up rather feelings just flow, very easily, and very openly. And that is the point of moping – no use to run away just embrace it.