Dare to share?

I have this constant feeling like there is no single person who knows me completely. I mean, the world doesn’t need too know it all,  but I feel like I am one of those people who observes a lot and expresses the least and in some way it does become suffocating. Well, it makes sense why I write, quite an effective method to release my thoughts.

I try to be aware every moment, not like I am a follower of mindfulness or anything au-contraire I have this habit of over-thinking. It only helps that I am aware of it. Sometimes it feels like I push myself too much and instead of stopping myself from reacting to a situation mindlessly, I end up not responding at all which is usually followed by a  lot of suffering. Silence can be easily taken advantage of and you get taken for granted frequently. Sometimes, it is stressful be nice!

So is forced peace and quiet a trap of its own? Yes, it is. If it was not, people would speak their minds and be free instead of going to the extent of resting in peace forever. What I have learnt is, If you are not happy do not force it, life is an actual roller-coaster just roll with it.

Coming back to the point, It is definitely magical to be in a place where you get to choose how you want to feel. Sticks and stones may break my bones, words do not.  Umm, excuse-me, but if you are in anyway sensitive as I am then, being in control to have an appropriate response every-time becomes an additional task apart from having to manage your emotions. What an emotional mess!

In some ways world is what it is, and we can walk like the nicest people around, but is too much to ask others, specially those who walk like they own the ground that they walk upon, to be slightly considerate. I do not believe that it is a dog eat dog world but honestly there are people who lack any form of sensibility. Oh, if people cared a little more about others than themselves – what a world would it be?

But yes, there is no point in whining about it and at the same time does it leave anyone who we call as our own. Family and friends we have aplenty but can we expect an unconditional-support from them, somewhere down the line there will be a a conflict and only those who are understanding of the fact that people are different would stick around. This is what makes it so hard to talk about anything and I mean “anything” with fellow people that we call as our own.

Think of the last time you did not have to think before you spoke, I feel like we are not only getting politically correct in the social sphere but also in our bedrooms. If you convey your raw thoughts, people might call you crass but if you shove BS with a bow tied on the top, they will happily take it. Weird, right!?

Anyway, what really worries me sometimes is how insensitivity or dead-serious has become equivalent to being-in-power. I wish people talked more, listened more, danced and sung a little more than becoming like robots.

We actually have a responsibility of picking others up, helping them out, of caring. Be it in friendship, love, or authority we should all collectively put an effort to become someone who others can confined in so at least they can dare to share. And if you have some one like that in your life, hold on to them.

Is it just me?

I think I am officially at that stage in my life where I end up asking over and over again, is it just me or is everyone finding themselves losing their interest in activities that they deemed as fun. It is like I am actually growing old, not just growing up. Oh, gosh can we just rewind, I do not think I am ready for this!

It is somewhat funny to be honest, to be in such a place where you are just not sure of yourself. I am stuck in this age where I am not yet old to be taken seriously by the “old”  and not that young to be called “hip”. Twenties make you they say but honestly it seems like a phase of hit-and-trial.

Jobs? Well, you gotta find one. Love? Well, you just gotta find someone. Friends? Who that? Everyone is busy finding the right job and the love of their life. Hobbies? Where is the time. Coffee? Yes, everyone is high on it literally just trying to stay awake. But that is my concern, why are we so tired? It has been a long time, I can not remember the last time I partied too hard or studied till the wee hours of the morning so this restlessness, this exhaustion is confusing. I think, it is just an outcome of being in a constant state of dis-organisation or is it just me?

This lack of direction is making me expend more energy than I did during my college years. It is the only logical explanation that I can find for this feeling of being in a loop; eat, sleep, wake-up, repeat… Or is this the real adult-life? Again, I did not sign up for this.

Also, there is a new feeling of missing out on experiences, like a fear that I am missing out on life while I am busy figuring out things and if I indulge in “fun” I might miss out this adult-ing process which until now, to my horror, seems like it will make sure that I become old and not necessarily wise. Are we turning into mindless robots…?

This for another time, but many studies suggest that not only education but our systems in general tend to destroy creativity and ‘many’ people tend to lose it with age and that is very scary.

I see people living with purpose, doing great, and one day when life hits them, they become philosophical and then they realise that, we accomplish things in life to sustain it and not live to just accomplish one thing after the other as it is an endless rut. So they become irritable or at worse stingy or recluse.

Sounds like a lot of work – lose yourself to make yourself only to lose yourself in that process and find yourself again. But as a journey that it is, we shall enjoy it. This is the only way I can bring myself to come to terms with adult-ing. Or is it just me… overthinking it (as usual)?

Go with the flow?

Any number of time we here this quote,”go with the flow”, we tend to nod in agreement. And as usual this got me thinking and I got inspired enough to write about it. It seems like we are wired for positivity or wired to expect positive outcomes in life. It is not about how we feel at present, but mostly about how we wanna feel in the next moment. So a lot of our energy is either stuck in the past or it gets used up in imagining the future which takes our attention away from the flow of life.

My interpretation is that, our minds are naturally inclined to get stuck on things which represent everything but the present moment. So we end up getting stuck – inside our heads – hence we need the flow to guide us out of the mental-madness we so ignorantly create.

Go with the flow, is not a negative statement. It does not compel us to take life as it is. That is quite a useless way of looking at it. I mean, if it was in anyway negative or connoting leniency then, the quote would not have a word like go in it. I have had some people interpret this quote as suggesting to take a back seat. Firstly, how do you take a back seat when you are the only one on the wheels. Secondly, where do you ‘go’ if you are just an audience to your own life.

So the idea is not to just sit and watch life pass by. The idea is to take the current and go where ever ‘it’ is. The destination is the only thing undecided, but what is an adventure if the destination is already known, that is called traveling not venturing. Let’s go with the flow – I think being open minded, having least of expectations, and being involved with reality – is the real essence of the flow. Let the currents take you away but no one said you can not sail your way.

Courage is all it needs, faith can come in handy but to be honest faith in itself comes with a sense of expectation. Which makes me reiterate that, our minds are wired to expect and plan for the next moment, and faith takes the sense of responsibility away from us. It only when we are responsible that we can start talking about courage. And if there is courage, which is a consequence of a strong foundation, it is easy to stand strong. We can sail through storms simply by finding our flow.

From vicarious to real.

There is always a first time for everyone. We are all on different levels of experiences in life and that makes it a little hard to comprehend when some one says, “you know” because lets be honest many a times we do not really “know”, we just think that we know because we tend to live vicariously.

But somethings just can not be put into words and had it been possible to transfer every experience that easily then, we could have all just watched a movie or read a book and be done with it all, but no we are not done with it. We are either motivated or demotivated to live that experience once we imagine it.

The thing is that, amidst all the drama that we are surrounded by, we are only looking for meaning. Not necessarily purpose just meaning. And connection is the closest we get to the kind of meaning or completeness we are seeking.

Personally, connection has been an easy thing for me to establish. I do not make friends quickly but eventually, quality over quantity I guess. And there have been times when I had to just break ties because we physically moved away. And as a 90s kid, I had and have off-line friends more than the on-line kind. Which brings me to the point of the matter and my recent experience with an old connection/friend. Story time.

When I say old friend, I mean just 8 years of friendship but as young adults that is a long time. The whole story and the answer to whose fault is it that the friendship is over comes down to this one stupid move (not mine 😛). I am not for blame game though.

What stupid move? Lack of communication? Oh, no there was plenty of communication perhaps, even more than there should have been. So, a fight? Not really, but yes a disagreement turned into an argument and “the friend” decided to just block me on social medium. And later unblocked. Does sound childish but what the heck!

So there, you see, one move. One mindless move was the end of it all. There are certain etiquettes to maintaining healthy relationships and as foolish as it is to break your phone in anger or throw profanities at someone (or lose your sh*t as they call it), there is always an understanding of one person “having lost it” which automatically shifts the responsibility of being calm on to the other party.

But with an action so passive and yet so loud like blocking a good old friend in all your senses and awareness sends a clear message across – the relationship is not at all valued. It is not only difficult to find an appropriate response here, but it is also quite helpless a situation and not to mention the lack of closure is insurmountable. What do I do? Where do we go after this? Even if you come back around what will stop you the next time? 

Like they say if it is meant to be, it will be otherwise not and that’s that. Things have ended before in one or the other way but this was a first and was certainly something that I had only lived vicariously. How does one just leave and then expect to be welcomed again. But that is for other time.

The destination awaits you.

Almost always there are two options in any situation I think they are called “fight or flight”. I get the basis behind using the word fight because it has its origins in  biology and psychology that, the adrenaline rush upon encountering certain situations could either make you fight the situation… Or run away from it, albeit an extreme word it is an appropriate one.

Consider this, strategies are for those who have time. First you need time and then you need a goal and once you are able to set a purpose you must set a path towards it. This works well when you are certain of ‘where to go’ and ‘what to do’ but you will be left with one task that is, to find or to plan ‘how to do it’. This is strategy. The more you use it the quicker you become because it is all about decisions.

Decisions come with repercussions and this is both a benefit of decision-making and the limitation of it. Whether we fight or flight, we end up somewhere. Those who choose none might seem like abnormal to others but will end up somewhere as well. So why decide, why strategise, why bother at all? Only to take it under control.

Simple as that we are innately control freaks. But some one said you can only control the outside to an extent. So we became controlled-control-freaks. Funny, right? And this controlling takes time and work. So, should we just let it be and go with the flow? Why not! But be prepared to be unprepared.

Control puts us to ease yet ends up putting us in stress. Gosh… what do we do? Perhaps remember that by decisions and strategies we only set the course, the purpose/the goal/the destination stays where its is. We might just arrive a little late, might hit a few road blocks, might get stuck in the traffic, it might be too foggy to tread on, might be boring or tiring or simply exciting, but know one thing – Do it or don’t do it, the destination awaits you. This or that it all works either in your favour or someone else’s favour that is all.

A style for life.

There was a time when individuality was not of much importance. It was not a need per say. People were content with what they had, who they were, and did not mind the rut. I do not think they had the word “rut”. For them survival was important and why would it not be when you live under some one’s rule and they make all the rules, all you are left with is to follow. Which does not leave much time to ask yourself the question – who am I?

All these deep questions and the curiosity to know something beyond comes only when you have that kind of time. Having experienced love by swiping right and having an access to all knowledge which is a click-away requires much less time and effort compared to actually finding someone and falling in love or seeking something and getting clarity over that matter.

So we end up with a lot of time in our hands and we multitask to fill it up thus giving birth to unnecessary pressure and not to mention strange activities…. Like naked yoga. No hate but I mean really? Naked? In a group? Okay!

Our style of living life now a days is all about having a life-style. I think we went from not thinking for ourselves to thinking for everyone. For instance my way might not be the most original way so I must sprinkle some individuality over it as I run after someone else’s lifestyle while wanting others to follow. In my opinion this takes the focus from being or becoming this or that to trying to have this or that.

Having role models and imitating them is not wrong, but make it your own perhaps and not destroy the authenticity. Follow the person, the personality, the virtues, the values and not just their lifestyle. Style should be for life – your life.

None taken.

Disagreements are pretty common and many people get over them easily. Some require a little more than a talk to get over things. Misunderstandings are a part and parcel of people with reactive attitudes. This does not mean that the entire blame lies on them. The one who misunderstood would get the gibe (most of the times), but an equal responsibility must be shared by the one who said the things that led to all this.

Ha! this is one of those really confusing situations but it totally depends on the kind of people you are dealing with. You know how sometimes things just come out wrong or in a way that you did not really intended them to sound. Nonetheless, the immediate realisation by the speaker hints that, they understand what they have said does not really sound correct (or as these days politically correct).

Well life is not meant to be politically correct all the time and it is alright to be conscious of this when in dialogue with strangers but mostly misunderstandings happen between two very close people. Ha! another of those funny but real-confusing realities of life.

Now, this does not mean that one speaks, the other gets hurt and that is the end of it all. Neither should it mean the one who “supposedly” got hurt unleashes a wrath on the speaker nor is it all meant to be ignored. But none should react,  its just a chain reaction; I say, you misunderstand, you react, I defend, you do not let go, I do not accept it, I react and we fight! So choose none, just be one.

Looking back, as kids nothing really mattered there were no misunderstandings because there were no preconceived notions, no hurts carried over from past experiences, nothing to really correlate one thing with the other and make a mess out of it. It was plain and simple. That is the only thing that changes as we grow up. We start believing we just know it all, and we do but unfortunately without much clarity.

From none to a ton. Tonnes of thoughts get processed and we like to read between the lines a little too often. Where ever the trust has gone? I feel like understanding the fact that not many people really give a second thought to things they say or do while others are exactly opposite, should bring  an acceptance of each others’ harmless comments.

So while the only truth is THE misunderstanding the problem takes a shape of “you never understand me” “well, how am I suppose to know that. I do not read mind” etc etc etc. It goes back and forth, and the egos would not let either just take the blame and move on. In the process neither would bend but won’t mind breaking each other. That is just sad.

So to save ourselves the pain let’s just handle this the way we do it with strangers, “no offence!” “Oh, none taken”.

My power, mine!

So much effort and such enthusiasm goes in to the secondary that primary gets forgotten in the run. It is not conditioning of the mind, but replacing a habit and replacing is not same as removing.

That comes to my mind when I hear some one suggesting physical activity as a way to let out some “steam”. So much of health and fitness has become a trend. It is not, by any means, a wrong thing at all but when it comes to the real vigour, the real strength, the real power I think we as a modern civilisation fall back by miles when it comes to mental health.

Put your anger into workout, that is common phrase that I have actually heard people say. No doubt the concentration, the motivation, the hard work required in any physical activity helps discipline the body to get over physical barriers thus making one stronger even mentally, but I do not agree with the following statements…

“Have too much pressure built up? Go punch the bag.”
“Got too much on your mind? Put in your music and jog around.”

What is this if not a new habit of compulsively letting the steam out each time it builds up? Just replacing all the sighing, sulking and whining with lifting weights or punching the bag – I am not sure of the approach, sounds like yet another addition to our quest of finding peace out there.

When I hear some one suggesting physical activity as a stress reliever. I always get confused because we are not really letting out or getting completely over something instead we are putting it all away and that is as worse as it can get. To put all your feelings and emotions aside and then burning out when dealing with it all at once is not good idea.

You can find a million ways to put those feelings aside and get the adrenaline rush to help you get over something for a while. Natural rush is better than alcohol – agreed! But it is a dependence nonetheless. And that is no power. It is all in the head and I have learnt that primary (mental) makes secondary (physical) stronger.

Your power, yours! It lies in getting over a problem not in getting around it.

Chaotic chaos…

Be yourself they say.
With no handbook,
No manual,
It is nothing short of chaotic.

The one I chose to be.
The one you asked me to be.
The one society expects me to be.
Can’t co-exist. It’s chaotic.

The way I want to act.
The way you ask me to act.
The way I am expected to act.
Can’t enact. It’s chaotic.

The things that I do.
The things you want me to do
The things I am expected to do.
Can’t un-do. It’s chaotic.

You will find a way they say,
And with no help,
No guidance,
It is a chaos.

Each to their own,
No one wants to be alone.
Love finds it’s way.
So does chaos one day.

Then you are two.
All gets better..
By each morning sun.
But the chaos stays.

No start, no end.
We re-birth and we die,
Only with chaos…
By our side.

A chaotic mess of chaos is this life – just imperfectly perfect or the other way round.
YOU Choose!

Wait a while.

And then you just wait…

A list full of tasks,

Taken care of.

Now I yearn for,

Something new.

A few things shaken.

A lot more changed.

Wanted it to be,

Different form the past.

 

Gathered the perfect soil.

Got some seeds of mine.

My karma as they call it.

I planted them so fine.

A little was moved.

A lot of water showered.

Sun quite bright,

And under the right light.

 

“What do I do now?”

I want it, quickly.

Life demanded that,

I wait for a bit more.

A tiny part of me,

A side I never did see.

I waited, kept waiting,

Until I saw it sprout.

 

With change of seasons.

Only patience helped.

My eyes finally saw,

Saw it grow.

A little taller.

A lot stronger.

All that I sowed.

All that I waited for.

 

Then, I learnt giving up control…

Leaves you feeling lighter.

Sometimes just wait,

A little while longer.

A lot  is getting done…

Before I can reap,

My rightful rewards.

Which I don’t yet see.

 

Be careful what you wish for, be extra careful what you think about. You will reflect your thoughts and it will attract the like. And we reap what we sow!