Is it just me?

I think I am officially at that stage in my life where I end up asking over and over again, is it just me or is everyone finding themselves losing their interest in activities that they deemed as fun. It is like I am actually growing old, not just growing up. Oh, gosh can we just rewind, I do not think I am ready for this!

It is somewhat funny to be honest, to be in such a place where you are just not sure of yourself. I am stuck in this age where I am not yet old to be taken seriously by the “old”  and not that young to be called “hip”. Twenties make you they say but honestly it seems like a phase of hit-and-trial.

Jobs? Well, you gotta find one. Love? Well, you just gotta find someone. Friends? Who that? Everyone is busy finding the right job and the love of their life. Hobbies? Where is the time. Coffee? Yes, everyone is high on it literally just trying to stay awake. But that is my concern, why are we so tired? It has been a long time, I can not remember the last time I partied too hard or studied till the wee hours of the morning so this restlessness, this exhaustion is confusing. I think, it is just an outcome of being in a constant state of dis-organisation or is it just me?

This lack of direction is making me expend more energy than I did during my college years. It is the only logical explanation that I can find for this feeling of being in a loop; eat, sleep, wake-up, repeat… Or is this the real adult-life? Again, I did not sign up for this.

Also, there is a new feeling of missing out on experiences, like a fear that I am missing out on life while I am busy figuring out things and if I indulge in “fun” I might miss out this adult-ing process which until now, to my horror, seems like it will make sure that I become old and not necessarily wise. Are we turning into mindless robots…?

This for another time, but many studies suggest that not only education but our systems in general tend to destroy creativity and ‘many’ people tend to lose it with age and that is very scary.

I see people living with purpose, doing great, and one day when life hits them, they become philosophical and then they realise that, we accomplish things in life to sustain it and not live to just accomplish one thing after the other as it is an endless rut. So they become irritable or at worse stingy or recluse.

Sounds like a lot of work – lose yourself to make yourself only to lose yourself in that process and find yourself again. But as a journey that it is, we shall enjoy it. This is the only way I can bring myself to come to terms with adult-ing. Or is it just me… overthinking it (as usual)?

Carved.

Midst our wrongs and rights
We forget to see the paradise.
Why is loss the only way
To makes us realise
What it was
It can never be.
But does that mean
We can not work on it?
This first blow
It only left a mark.
That second one
It was just a scar.
Again as we repeat,
The blame lies on me.
But this time
You have carved
A name deep inside.
So, if you choose to go.
Don’t leave a thing behind.
Even if it is broken, it’s yours.
Take everything.
Everything… that belongs to you.
Now, I dare you!

Torn.

One thing could tear it apart.
One blow is all it takes.
Be careful.
How fragile you are?
And how much of you is at stake?
Should you give more than you take?
Or, should you take an equal stand?
Some choices are left at hand.
For love knows no rules.
It sees no risks.
Be careful.
How entangled you get,
The more of you will be torn apart.

Traces and trails.

Is it meaningful to try to trace your steps back to something that was not meant to be? I do not think it is. But those who move on quickly are they heartless? Hmm… Some questions are not easy to answer but experience can give us some insight.

We leave traces and trails. What we ignore finds us, and what we try to find seems to run away and hide further from our sight. Traces, they are everywhere and we do not only leave them, we carry some of them. What we do is, we keep ourselves occupied with the traces that are behind us and miss out on the trails in front of us.

Having understood that we should not live in the past, we make a conscious effort in choosing our thoughts and focus on the present. But does that work? Is that enough? If we look closely we would observe that even though we think we are not living in the past or that we are not thinking about the past, the traces of our fondness and attachment to the past could be found for example, in speech, in eyes – the way we look at certain things.

Have you ever said that you have finally moved on from someone or something, but later realised that you still talk about it. The conscious choice of not having thoughts is perfect but the idea of “what it was like” stays so strongly etched in the mind that we speak of it highly and frequently. Some of us would even find ourselves seeking the same experience. Familiarity is nice but could become an obstacle.

Traces, that is what we need to to get over with and look for trails that lead into a new adventure.

2017 – 14/365

Had sort of a disagreement with my friends over my attitude concerning another friend’s behaviour. We have had disagreements before but this seemed like a fight (we have had those too). Come to think of it, in any group dynamics or relationship building, the foundation stays weak or vulnerable if it is too smooth – must have cracks. You need to have a healthy and open environment for confrontations and confuting lest the group becomes used to groupthink.

Okay that is too much psychology but it is a known fact that no love exists without clashes. And what is a relationship without complete honesty and if you are totally honest then you can not really please everyone, as much that is a sign of individuality it also teaches others to be tolerant (or shows how much they already are). So I guess it is useful to bring it all out in the open. Today we are stronger than before.

Acknowledge, accept, process and let go – Insach

 

Missi…

(M)akes you wonder, where could it be?
(I)f it is here then why can’t you see?
(S)trange things never miss your eyes.
(S)o you look closer.
(I)nquiring what went wrong?
(N)ot knowing that was the only chance.
(G)one is the love that couldn’t last.

(M)issing it might seem sane,
(I)t was the first, next won’t be the same.
(S)eldom does it come the exact way.
(S)ure you don’t wanna take the risk?
(I)n the name of fear, you might miss.
(N)othing more but love in your life.
(G)ot any other plans to make it right?

Slog away

I was slogging away.

slog away.

Don’t want to anymore.

But have to do it anyway.

 

The harder I try,

The higher I reach.

When I lose,

I fall too deep.

 

Rolling, tumbling down,

Like leaf falling off a tree.

Two bruises that you can see.

Many more, only I can feel.

 

Stronger I become,

As further I go.

Wounds leave more than scars.

That I got to know.

 

Spreading the light,

Lying deep inside?

The strength gets crushed.

With each passing disgust.

 

The one who yields.

Eventually gives in.

The one who goes on.

Slogs away being the one.

 

Oh man it sounds lonely. It actually is, strangely, a pattern that I have observed. You know where the good seems to suffer in silence and bad is partying day in and day out. The one’s who understand more are the one’s who are the least understood. Sad Reality!

 

Shiver!

Fear and only fear has the strength to shake my core. I fear a few things, who does not? But I stay away from it by living in now; focusing on now has its benefits and that is the lack of time which I would otherwise use to sit and force myself into bad/sad mood merely by thoughts.

I get cold sweats at the thought of losing loved ones, being alone, not finding love, being alone. Oh, I have already mentioned it but yes. I have figured that, it is the most common of all fears – being alone. No one likes embarrassments, no one likes failure, but I would say these are still manageable because you would have some to fall back on. I mean having someone to share my sadness and happiness with, gives me that strength to just go through it all.

You know like children holding on to their parent’s fingers or the way they just run to them, their safe haven, whenever they are scared.

A shoulder to cry on or somebody to boogy with when you are on top of the world. It is a need. Now, imagine failing at something or just falling down, and not having a single person to talk to, share with, let alone someone to crying it out to. Imagine being happy and not being congratulated by the closest of your relations. It won’t even feel like a celebration. There won’t be any party, be it pity party or the good kind.

This also points out the fact that sacrificing everything for that one thing which we believe would fetch us all the luxury in life will not feel as much of a pinnacle when we finally get it if we have no one to celebrate it with.

I am all about being the lone wolf, being away from drama and baggage to get better things in life, but I like to keep a check on my priorities because they can not be static. Had I kept my priorities static I would have lost more than I did acquire or experience till today. Dependency on someone is not good but honestly if its love than why not. Just give, receive, take, lend! To the ones you know and to the ones you do not!

In the essence of my post and in lines with the fear of losing loved ones, there is a fine line between actually being with someone and spending quality time with them or just having a relationship. This needs a mention… Are you just Friends with someone or do you guys really chat it out? Do you laugh it out? Do you vent it out? Do you fight it out? Are you making memories or  are you too busy just filling your pockets and camera rolls?

I am relieved to know that I might have made some bold choices like, when I would sit with my granny listening to her stories for hours on end during my exams. Honestly, the fear of failing was not as much as the fear of not getting that moment back. As a student it was a hard decision and risks require tactics. So, I studied at nights instead and enjoyed my days with my grandparents.

I ended up getting three things out of it. Amazing memories to look back on, good grades (because when you are satisfied emotionally you do better every way), and appreciation for my hard work – just because I was studying late night it seemed like I was working too hard. Although I was not really but hey, no ones being harmed so let it be!

I have had shivers and I still get them but I have realised one thing over the years that, imagining it all will give you shivers but when something really goes wrong that is when you stand still, FROZEN! Now that is a different story.

So, shivers are of our own making. Prioritising and following your heart is the mantra and then happiness will conquer all.

 

 

Fierce

Being with you was a fierce ride

Going far away, a fierce stride.

Stronger than both of us our fate,

Almost too close, always a little late.

My words, your emotions,

Your actions, my notions.

Not to match, not to meet.

I will not be the one to cheat.

It’s a promise to hold on.

A promise to go on.

Sometimes it works.

Sometimes we move on.

For all your needs,

Love can seem bitter indeed.

You be the one to talk to ,

The one to lean on to.

Even when falling apart,

With a broken heart,

And a wound to heal,

(Remember) friendships aren’t a deal.

To give is your choice.

Make it heard it is your voice.

But do not expect, do not fight.

To be given is not a right.

What is it if not a two way street?

For both of us, every moment a treat.

If only the passion was fierce,

Even in the moments unclear.

Complicated

Matters of heart are (not) complicated

Matters of pride complicate everything

Having to choose is (not) complicated

Being confused complicates everything

Being with the one is (not) complicated

Feelings for two complicate everything

Having lost it all is (not) complicated

Starting afresh complicates everything.

Sexuality is (not) complicated

Having to define it complicates everything

Religion is (not) complicated

All the beliefs complicate everything

People, things, life are (not) complicated

Our perception complicates everything.

 

How clearly can we see, how clear can we be depends on how much clarity we seek!