From vicarious to real.

There is always a first time for everyone. We are all on different levels of experiences in life and that makes it a little hard to comprehend when some one says, “you know” because lets be honest many a times we do not really “know”, we just think that we know because we tend to live vicariously.

But somethings just can not be put into words and had it been possible to transfer every experience that easily then, we could have all just watched a movie or read a book and be done with it all, but no we are not done with it. We are either motivated or demotivated to live that experience once we imagine it.

The thing is that, amidst all the drama that we are surrounded by, we are only looking for meaning. Not necessarily purpose just meaning. And connection is the closest we get to the kind of meaning or completeness we are seeking.

Personally, connection has been an easy thing for me to establish. I do not make friends quickly but eventually, quality over quantity I guess. And there have been times when I had to just break ties because we physically moved away. And as a 90s kid, I had and have off-line friends more than the on-line kind. Which brings me to the point of the matter and my recent experience with an old connection/friend. Story time.

When I say old friend, I mean just 8 years of friendship but as young adults that is a long time. The whole story and the answer to whose fault is it that the friendship is over comes down to this one stupid move (not mine ūüėõ). I am not for blame game though.

What stupid move? Lack of communication? Oh, no there was plenty of communication perhaps, even more than there should have been.¬†So, a fight?¬†Not really, but yes a disagreement turned into an argument and “the friend” decided to just block me on social medium. And later unblocked. Does sound childish but what the heck!

So there, you see, one move. One mindless move was the end of it all. There are certain etiquettes to maintaining healthy relationships and as foolish as it is to break your phone in anger or throw profanities at someone (or lose your sh*t as they call it), there is always an understanding of one person “having lost it”¬†which automatically shifts the responsibility of being calm on to the other party.

But with an action so passive and yet so loud like blocking a good old friend in all your senses and awareness sends a clear message across Рthe relationship is not at all valued. It is not only difficult to find an appropriate response here, but it is also quite helpless a situation and not to mention the lack of closure is insurmountable. What do I do? Where do we go after this? Even if you come back around what will stop you the next time? 

Like they say if it is meant to be, it will be otherwise not and that’s that. Things have ended before in one or the other way but this was a first and was certainly something that I had only lived vicariously. How does one just leave and then expect to be welcomed again. But that is for other time.

Nerve.

Moxie sounds like an antibiotic but on a serious note when you finally do get the nerve to do something, is it too late? Or is it just the right time?

Minute by minute
You came closer to me.
Seconds by seconds
Now it breaks me within.
True, It is quicker than I feel.
But why is this your drill?
When did I become this?
Parts of me I let you steal!
Had I been more (willingly) giving,
Would this be a smaller deal?
How about this time…
I Let it hurt you for real.
For once you go through
What made me shriek.
For I never had the nerve.
To show what you did.
But piece by piece
Now payback for all your deeds.
And watch me walk out (alive or dead).
One way or the other, I’ll be freed.
See me use your shackles on you.
The game is finally being played by two.

I panicked.

A wide open grass land
Meets near horizon I see.
A blue clear sky and a breeze.
The warmth surrounds me.
The birds chirping, bees buzzing,
Flowers dancing,
It is one of those scenes.
Almost unreal.
So close I can touch it.
The fragrance I smell,
The sounds I can hear,
All of it is so near.
My spirits are lifted high.
Like being brought back to life.
Feels almost like reality.
But my heart starts to ache.
Now, the light is fading away.
Why the darkness? I ask.
How did it find its way?
I hid it deep inside.
Your memories that I hate.
From the warmth to
These¬†burns I’m feeling.
The panic begins to creep in.
Why now? And how?
Perhaps… it is my fault.
I panicked. This wound.
It must be healed.
This love affair with pain.
Like us, must come to an end.

None taken.

Disagreements are pretty common and many people get over them easily. Some require a little more than a talk to get over things. Misunderstandings are a part and parcel of people with reactive attitudes. This does not mean that the entire blame lies on them. The one who misunderstood would get the gibe (most of the times), but an equal responsibility must be shared by the one who said the things that led to all this.

Ha! this is one of those really confusing situations but it totally depends on the kind of people you are dealing with. You know how sometimes things just come out wrong or in a way that you did not really intended them to sound. Nonetheless, the immediate realisation by the speaker hints that, they understand what they have said does not really sound correct (or as these days politically correct).

Well life is not meant to be politically correct all the time and it is alright to be conscious of this when in dialogue with strangers but mostly misunderstandings happen between two very close people. Ha! another of those funny but real-confusing realities of life.

Now, this does not mean that one speaks, the other gets hurt and that is the end of it all. Neither should it mean the one who “supposedly” got hurt unleashes a wrath on the speaker nor is it all meant to be ignored. But none should react, ¬†its just a chain reaction; I say, you misunderstand, you react, I defend, you do not let go, I do not accept it, I react and we fight!¬†So choose none, just be one.

Looking back, as kids nothing really mattered there were no misunderstandings because there were no preconceived notions, no hurts carried over from past experiences, nothing to really correlate one thing with the other and make a mess out of it. It was plain and simple. That is the only thing that changes as we grow up. We start believing we just know it all, and we do but unfortunately without much clarity.

From none to a ton. Tonnes of thoughts get processed and we like to read between the lines a little too often. Where ever the trust has gone? I feel like understanding the fact that not many¬†people¬†really give a second thought to things they say or do while¬†others¬†are exactly opposite, should bring¬†¬†an acceptance of each others’ harmless comments.

So while the only truth is THE¬†misunderstanding the problem takes a shape of “you never understand me” “well, how am I suppose to know that. I do not read mind” etc etc etc. It goes back and forth, and the egos would not let either just take the blame and move on. In the process¬†neither would bend but won’t mind breaking each other. That is just sad.

So to save ourselves the pain let’s just handle this the way we do it with strangers, “no offence!” “Oh, none taken”.

Pleased yet?

Every thought to please you.
Every gesture to please you.
Every word to please you.
I tried to please you.
Were you pleased?

Stars from the sky?
Pearls from the ocean?
Flowers of the fresh bloom?
It is only my¬†confusion…
How to make this love blossom.

I dressed to please you,
Kept quiet to please you.
Held you to please you.
I tried it all for you.
You were not pleased.

If the heart and soul
Is not enough.
What will matter to you?
I give myself.
That is all I have.

All sounds to please you.
A song to please you.
I will dance to please you,
In your rhythm with you.
Will you be pleased?

 

2017 ‚Äď 14/365

Had sort of a disagreement with my friends over my attitude concerning another friend’s behaviour. We have had disagreements before but this seemed like a fight (we have had those too). Come to think of it, in any group dynamics or relationship building, the foundation stays weak or vulnerable if it is too smooth – must have cracks. You need to have a healthy and open environment for confrontations and confuting lest the group becomes used to groupthink.

Okay that is too much psychology but it is a known fact that no love exists without clashes. And what is a relationship without complete honesty and if you are totally honest then you can not really please everyone, as much that is a sign of individuality it also teaches others to be tolerant (or shows how much they already are). So I guess it is useful to bring it all out in the open. Today we are stronger than before.

Acknowledge, accept, process and let go – Insach

 

Crisis

Well, to begin with one of the cause of crisis is in crISIS itself, it is quiet conspicuous. The world is in so many crises where can one even begin? I would talk of what is in our control. The emotional, mental, physical crisis.

It is no news that, when we are at our best, the things we do are the best and that is exactly how one becomes useful. Do not own an NGO? No big deal! Can not collect enough for charity? No big deal. But not having time for yourself? Not really your fault.

Even though it is not our fault, not being able to take care of our own self would mean not being able to give. And that is sad. That is the real crisis. Like the old age saying goes charity begins at home. Home meaning people living in it, and that would be me?!

Like these sayings, thoughts, proverbs etc… we know lot, but how much of it are we really using? How much do we really remember? How much do we really apply? Not much, not until a breakdown do we have an “oh snap!” moment that brings sense to the whole drama or sometimes a charade. Procrastination can work every where else but not on the body. It is a state of crisis, not being able to give time, money, love, encouragement, happiness, bliss to our own self.

It is a crisis to be living in past, to be living in future and wasting the present. It is a crisis to give time to everything but to yourself. Letting loose is not a luxury, should not be! It is nature and nature is not wrong. Until you love yourself you can not love anyone else – that is a serious crisis.

Talk about love and there are people with true love and some with a series of bad relationships. It is not the victim’s fault that they get cheated on. But can one be that negligent and unaware of their partner that they did not see it coming? Honestly, no one is. It is just the fear of being rejected, being lonely that holds them back not negligence. In a way investing in such a relationship is like deceiving yourself. It is never easy, but won’t it help to hit the eject button now than on a later stage.

I mean, when ever you know or feel it – allow yourself to be at peace and give it up immediately. Toxin is good for nothing. There is no need to go through the emotional, mental and at times physical pain. What ever the state, which ever the crisis, love your self and be your self. That is what we have been taught and that is what we need to remember.

Crises always erupt where there is lack of love and compassion.